For context, I had been closely following the COVID-19 pandemic from an early stage around January. A Youtuber I liked had picked up the story, with the lockdowns of China becoming an all-encompassing beast that enamored him. He streamed constantly about it, following the virus as it began to spread across Asia and seep into Europe. As he watched, so did I. However, at no point during the pandemic's early stages did I feel scared. In fact, I kinda watched the whole debacle break down like it was some TV drama with a constantly evolving plotline rather then the life-changing event it would become for so many people across the world. I had a feeling that when it seeped into America that things could get very ugly as they did in China, but somehow my mind kept pushing it back as I focused on school and the life I held in my home state. What flipped the switch for me and started to get me emotionally concerned on a deeper level surprisingly wasn't when the declaration of the virus as a global pandemic was made or when the soft-stay-at-home orders were issued by my state's government. In fact, it was because of what was happening in Japan.
In late February, Japan was reporting that cases of the virus were starting to pop up at live venues around the country. With these cases, happening, Shinzo Abe had called for live venues to be shut down for the next several weeks to curb the virus spread. I, however, had known about none of this until I had gotten up at around 3 or 4 am to watch a AKB48 concert. The group had been holding special unit concerts that brought certain members together under certain themes and branding as a way to see how they would hold up to the public. I missed watching the first few of those live, but one I had wanted to see was band-oriented, so I knew I wanted to catch that one. When I woke up, it wasn't on. I had thought the streamer who was relaying the shows was just having issues or something, so I checked Discord and found the news that every single AKB event, be it concert or handshake, had been cancelled or delayed while the shutdown orders were in effect. I was stunned. I knew that several important events for the group were coming up that I was anticipating over the next few months, like the graduation of Minegishi Minami, had been in jeopardy. Eventually all those were delayed or cancelled too. If anyone reading this comes away thinking that I'm selfish or even insane for only getting seriously worried when the things I liked started to go away, I can't exactly argue with them. We'll get back to this group later.
After that, a general feeling of uneasiness had settled in that hasn't gone away since. Ever since then, little by little, more and more got chipped away. More countries locked down, films delayed, events cancelled, sports and television on pause. Some would say that "the world had stopped." I don't like that term myself, because people are still aging, more and more get claimed to the virus, and the earth keeps turning. If the world actually stopped, maybe that might actually be easier because at least then we as a society could start getting our shit together and try to work things out in the meantime before the world un-pauses itself. Life is never that simple.
While so many things have changed over the last few months, and even in my own house my brother had lost his restaurant job when the restaurant switched to carryout-only, my daily life feels like it hasn't changed much at all. Financially, there's little change. My brother gets unemployment money. My mom, who worked from home pre-pandemic, still gets just as much if not more work as before. As for me, I've done online college classes from home since 2018, never having any social functions to attend to and having hobbies I do entirely from the home. When I do leave the house, it's for groceries, fast food, library and movie theater trips with my mom. With so much of my time already spent at home and only missing out on short trips to libraries and theaters, I've never quite felt trapped inside during all of this. At least, not any more than I usually do. When what I see around me are people whose lives have been upended or even cut short, my relative stability feels more and more like a privilege.
A trend I've noticed that YouTuber Diginee put into words even better than I could is that people are doing much more self-reflection and "reverting back to childhood" in the process while at home. I've been doing lots of self-reflection like many others, except that I've realized that I'm not exactly learning a whole not new about myself or making new revelations. Maybe it's because for the last couple years I've felt so trapped in my own mind self-reflecting and pacing around the room before that reflection now isn't bringing up much new. The apocalyptic worries I've had in my mind for years stirred up in part by me spending so much time alone self-reflecting are starting to come to life thanks to global governmental incompetency, and none of it feels surprising. It's just the natural conclusion of my deep fears taken form. Not much can surprise me anymore.
If I can't get much out of reflecting on my own past or my own character, I figured I could get something out of reflecting outwards on the state of the world. That's where those notes from earlier come in. It was particularly around March and April that was marked as a time of me wandering around grocery stores, seeing whatever vibrant nature was there being sucked away and replaced with a creeping sense of dread and weariness, seeing sterile shelves cleared out and snack food packages advertising delayed films that would become little more than reminders of the "old world" without this disruption. How would communities take new form? What does it feel like to be "non-essential" and shut out from work? How would people, other than myself, deal with a newfound sense of aimlessness or listlessness? These were some of the things I pondered to myself in my short trips outside the house. Some of these I don't think will have a clear answer until if and when the pandemic passes. Because of this, I don't really want to think about the future much. I don't like thinking about "when this is all over." Phrases like that make it feel like this will be a quick process to deal with rather than the long, drawn out tedious affair the virus has become. Instead of constantly thinking about the end point or giving myself some fake optimism that things will pass quickly, I instead like to focus on what I can do now and how I can do it now. I don't know if I even have very long to live. Maybe even one year from now, I won't be alive to look back and reflect on these musings I'm writing down now. But while I'm still here, may as well make something out of it.
I did mention that AKB48 group earlier, didn't I? Right, right. While I was thinking about writing something related to COVID or my underdeveloped thoughts on the world in general for a minute now, what finally got me up from school and hobby-induced coma was a surprise charity song the group did, Hanareta Itemo. All the proceeds go medical workers and the like who are working nonstop to find a cure and heal the sick. It was unexpected in several ways. The first was that the video was never even hinted at beforehand, being a total surprise. The second were all the graduated members. I mean, Tomochin, Acchan, Sayanee, some of the biggest names of the group's past worked alongside almost every active member for this song. This leads to my third surprise, just how emotional I got. Seeing the graduated members in the video the first time got me incredibly emotional in an instant. It was this move combined with the touching lyrics provided a moving song unlike any other in AKB48's history. In particular, the final line, "For you, let's keep our distance," is one that will stay with me forever. Hanarete Itemo, unlike any other song I've encountered yet, was something I had to build a tolerence to. Usually, this would mean that the song was weak at first and grew on me later, but that's far from the case. The first time I saw the video, I was left a bawling mess during it. And the next time I watched it. And the next time. It's taken me multiple listens to get through it without crying, although in these cases I have to listen to it without reading along to the translated lyrics, lest it happen again. I've never had a song affect me as much as this one has. There's been many songs lately talking about the issues plaguing 2020, but not one as heartfelt and powerful as this.
So, while the world is the way it is, all I can do is my best. I can still work on my classes. I still have food, water, clothes, internet and just about anything else I could need with me at home to live. I can still watch anime and listen to music and write out this post. For that, I can feel blessed. I could just sit around and wonder "when will things go back to normal?" Except I can't. The world is still turning. I'm still alive, for the moment. So all I can do is keep being myself until the moment I can't anymore.
To anyone who stumbles upon this post, I want to know just one thing. How have you been?
While so many things have changed over the last few months, and even in my own house my brother had lost his restaurant job when the restaurant switched to carryout-only, my daily life feels like it hasn't changed much at all. Financially, there's little change. My brother gets unemployment money. My mom, who worked from home pre-pandemic, still gets just as much if not more work as before. As for me, I've done online college classes from home since 2018, never having any social functions to attend to and having hobbies I do entirely from the home. When I do leave the house, it's for groceries, fast food, library and movie theater trips with my mom. With so much of my time already spent at home and only missing out on short trips to libraries and theaters, I've never quite felt trapped inside during all of this. At least, not any more than I usually do. When what I see around me are people whose lives have been upended or even cut short, my relative stability feels more and more like a privilege.
A trend I've noticed that YouTuber Diginee put into words even better than I could is that people are doing much more self-reflection and "reverting back to childhood" in the process while at home. I've been doing lots of self-reflection like many others, except that I've realized that I'm not exactly learning a whole not new about myself or making new revelations. Maybe it's because for the last couple years I've felt so trapped in my own mind self-reflecting and pacing around the room before that reflection now isn't bringing up much new. The apocalyptic worries I've had in my mind for years stirred up in part by me spending so much time alone self-reflecting are starting to come to life thanks to global governmental incompetency, and none of it feels surprising. It's just the natural conclusion of my deep fears taken form. Not much can surprise me anymore.
If I can't get much out of reflecting on my own past or my own character, I figured I could get something out of reflecting outwards on the state of the world. That's where those notes from earlier come in. It was particularly around March and April that was marked as a time of me wandering around grocery stores, seeing whatever vibrant nature was there being sucked away and replaced with a creeping sense of dread and weariness, seeing sterile shelves cleared out and snack food packages advertising delayed films that would become little more than reminders of the "old world" without this disruption. How would communities take new form? What does it feel like to be "non-essential" and shut out from work? How would people, other than myself, deal with a newfound sense of aimlessness or listlessness? These were some of the things I pondered to myself in my short trips outside the house. Some of these I don't think will have a clear answer until if and when the pandemic passes. Because of this, I don't really want to think about the future much. I don't like thinking about "when this is all over." Phrases like that make it feel like this will be a quick process to deal with rather than the long, drawn out tedious affair the virus has become. Instead of constantly thinking about the end point or giving myself some fake optimism that things will pass quickly, I instead like to focus on what I can do now and how I can do it now. I don't know if I even have very long to live. Maybe even one year from now, I won't be alive to look back and reflect on these musings I'm writing down now. But while I'm still here, may as well make something out of it.
I did mention that AKB48 group earlier, didn't I? Right, right. While I was thinking about writing something related to COVID or my underdeveloped thoughts on the world in general for a minute now, what finally got me up from school and hobby-induced coma was a surprise charity song the group did, Hanareta Itemo. All the proceeds go medical workers and the like who are working nonstop to find a cure and heal the sick. It was unexpected in several ways. The first was that the video was never even hinted at beforehand, being a total surprise. The second were all the graduated members. I mean, Tomochin, Acchan, Sayanee, some of the biggest names of the group's past worked alongside almost every active member for this song. This leads to my third surprise, just how emotional I got. Seeing the graduated members in the video the first time got me incredibly emotional in an instant. It was this move combined with the touching lyrics provided a moving song unlike any other in AKB48's history. In particular, the final line, "For you, let's keep our distance," is one that will stay with me forever. Hanarete Itemo, unlike any other song I've encountered yet, was something I had to build a tolerence to. Usually, this would mean that the song was weak at first and grew on me later, but that's far from the case. The first time I saw the video, I was left a bawling mess during it. And the next time I watched it. And the next time. It's taken me multiple listens to get through it without crying, although in these cases I have to listen to it without reading along to the translated lyrics, lest it happen again. I've never had a song affect me as much as this one has. There's been many songs lately talking about the issues plaguing 2020, but not one as heartfelt and powerful as this.
So, while the world is the way it is, all I can do is my best. I can still work on my classes. I still have food, water, clothes, internet and just about anything else I could need with me at home to live. I can still watch anime and listen to music and write out this post. For that, I can feel blessed. I could just sit around and wonder "when will things go back to normal?" Except I can't. The world is still turning. I'm still alive, for the moment. So all I can do is keep being myself until the moment I can't anymore.
To anyone who stumbles upon this post, I want to know just one thing. How have you been?
